My Love

Warning:
This post is extremely emotional, person-specific and prized(for me).Also, this is just the tip of an iceberg with lot of posts linked to it. For all who want to read through, I can promise you nothing. You can do without reading this. This has no practical value for anyone except me.
(I know people will read through anyway, just don't bother me with any questions)

The ultimate weapon...Room 101, from the novel 1984, against all dissidents. It is just a concept by George Orwell in his famous book, but don't we all have a room in us; where we hide from the worst fears we are afraid of confronting?
Room 101, as explained in the novel, is the place where a person is taken when he doesn't surrender to any torture. It is in this room that he is brought face to face with the thing he fears the most. In the novel, Winston smith is attacked by rats. And he, who has been through 3rd degree torture, gives in. The mere thought of it is ludicrous. But, that's the power of fear.

However tough a man is, he has one room 10, ridiculous and irrational it might be, that festers deep inside, lurking beneath the bold mask worn for the sake of society.

I have one too. It's not exactly a phobia but a belief that extended as a "personality phenotype", if you get what I mean.

My room 101 is the "fear of loss"

At the age of 10 I went to a hostel. I still remember those childhood days. I used to cry for hours together to exhaustion. My warden used to put me to sleep for the lack of better option. In the playground, bathroom, studyhour huh! Well, well....

At that age, unknowingly, I shaped up my future.

The fear of losing my mother, despite the fact that they kept calling me every other day and wrote to me everyday, increased in me. Every other week, they would come, The moment I waited for a fortnight would vanish in a moment, and that blinding pain would engulf me for a few days and I kept losing my mother over and over again. There was never a permanent solution.

Instead of getting ossified to the fact, I made a solid resolution to find a way out.

I started fearing loneliness. A single minute alone used to push me over the edge into the chasm of loss, and I fought it victoriously by getting addicted to books. (Years and years of book reading has given a disease of thinking 5ways)

Adolescence.
Room 101 again shaped up my present convictions. I was already thinking of a permanent solution at the age of 18. But, traditions and loyalty kept me at bay. That fear of loss has made me firm in marrying a woman who would never leave me , not even for a minute, so that I will never face my room 101 again.

Then came "Sincinnati".

Life has a way of defeating your purpose.

This time everyone deserted me....